I am no longer a smoker.

And it's horrible. Terrible. Hellish. Why would I do such a thing to myself? Well, the bleeding gums, for starters. The bleeding gums that I am much too stubborn to visit the dentist about (much like the chest infection that I am much too stubborn to visit the doctor about). I have decided to take matters into my own hands and just quit. Cold turkey. That was exactly 40 hours ago.

Somehow I have persuaded my boyfriend, Tricky, to quit with me. He's a wimp though, and went for the nicotine patches. I don't see the point, to be honest. You're either going to quit, or you aren't. I don't know which way it's going to go for me.

The reason for this? I love smoking. I mean I really, really enjoy it. I have never in my life needed a smoke. I have wanted one, yes, but my problem is that I don't smoke to satisfy a craving. I smoke for the time it allows me to relax; to think; to evaluate. It's a proven fact that smokers are quicker decision makers than non smokers because they have the ability, the excuse; to take time out from a situation to make a rational decision.

And then there's the cool factor. Let's be honest, anyone who says that smoking isn't cool is probably your mum. Or your teacher. Smoking is very cool. I mean come on, it's just so Rock and Roll. Ask John Lennon. Jeff Buckley. Sid Vicious. Jim Morrison. Hell, even Bill Hicks. A cigarette is a symbol of a devil-may-care attitude. It announces 'I am doing what I want, whether it's bad for me or not.'

There's the social aspect too. I have met probably about 60% of my close friends through smoking. Especially now the smoking ban is in place, you form this bond with other smokers: the poor down-and-outs of this new healthy society, outcasts, banished to do their business in the cold and the wet, huddled together to retain some warmth through body heat, unified in their misery.... ok so maybe that is going a bit far. But it's true. I am naturally more inclined to like someone if they are a smoker.

So by quitting smoking I will be uncool and have no friends. My aim in life.

Bugger it.